December is a month of great anticipation for many families as their teens return home from college. For many like us, our kids can’t visit for long weekends or Thanksgiving, so winter break is the first time our child comes home after college has started. It is an exciting time for both parents and teens but can quickly become one of annoyance and irritation if not handled with care. Here are some things not to do or say when your teen comes home from college.
Read more: Five Things Not To Do When Your Teen Comes Home From College- Inundate them with questions about their college experience.
‘Are you having the best time?’
‘Are you loving college?’
‘Is it the full college experience you had hoped for?’
If their answer is no, that admission feels hard and will make them feel even worse. They do not need to be reminded that they are not ‘having the full college experience’ as perhaps one had hoped. They will probably get asked this repeatedly by family friends, and relatives, and will likely hear it from their friends who have returned. Every child has a unique college experience and one doesn’t compare to another. - Ask them about their grades or internships.
Your teen has come back from a grueling week of finals. They have stayed up late cramming, finishing essays, and hoping the professor will curve the grade for the class. Asking them about their grades is not the best conversation at the start of their holiday. Securing internships in the first year of college is extremely hard and constantly questioning if something has materialized is not the best. Quit the interrogating. - Why are you not spending time with us?
The winter break is when all their high school friends return from college for the first time. They want to meet up, hang out, and are eager to spend time with their friends or perhaps their long-distance relationships. And when they are home, they are in their room doom scrolling on their phone.
Yes, we parents have been waiting four-and-a-half months for our kids to return and you barely get any time with them. But this is a time for them to unwind and be in their space. - Why are you sleeping all the time?
College is an exhausting time for your teen. They learn to balance classes, make new friends, navigate a new city, join clubs, and play sports. It can be chaotic. They are exhausted physically and emotionally. They want to let down and sleep at all odd hours of the day. If your child has had 8am classes in college, they are probably extra depleted with sleep and have missed their own bed. The sleep on their own bed hits differently!
Let them sleep in! - You’ve changed!
It’s likely your college teen has become more independent. They made decisions, have matured, and voice their opinions frequently. We sent them as kids and they have returned as outspoken adults. They have forgotten the ‘house rules’ or think it won’t apply to them. But saying ‘you’ve changed’ often brings a negative connotation and may even be hurtful.
That said, this is not to say don’t ever ask your teen about college, how the courses are coming along, and people they’ve met. As parents, we must ensure they are in a healthy space with good mental health. But interrogating them the first few hours they return home is not ideal. Give them a few days to rest and recuperate.
Find ways to have conversations with your teen and be willing to listen more than question them. I often cook when my teen walks into the kitchen for a snack, and we start talking. Sometimes, I work on a puzzle, and my teen joins me, which makes for easier conversations in a stress-free environment.
When your teen comes home, they need a safe, loving, and judgment-free place. They want comfort meals, reconnect with old friends, and be silly with their siblings. Trust me, they’ve missed their siblings more than they care to admit.
A few welcome-back surprises don’t hurt either. When my teen returned from college I did a little room refresh for him. Nothing too drastic because you still want it to feel like home but some paint color, lamps, new shelves, and wall art. I also added some of my plants because I ran out of space elsewhere in the house for my plants!
If you have any more suggestions, drop them in the comments.
Hope you and your teen have a fantastic winter break! Remember comfort meals and sleep!
Some pictures of the room refresh and comfort meals are just below.
With all my love,
-N
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